hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
