As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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