Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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