and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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