just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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