Soap is not a condiment
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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