Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
