Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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