i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
