went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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