so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
