Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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