i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
