Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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