Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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