Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
