just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just googled if crying burns calories
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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