Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
