i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
