I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
