hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im holly from the hills drunk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
