I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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