I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
