'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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