probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she peed on how many people?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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