Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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