Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
