Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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