You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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