You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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