My friends, they love my intelligence
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
