My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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