mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we made out on top of his cat.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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