Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
