Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
