winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
