buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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