Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
