So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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