Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
