ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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