Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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