i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
