I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
