Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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