What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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