my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
organizing the empties. That sober.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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