It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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