Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
love makes seman taste better
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
