So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
