i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
