Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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