he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
