I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
