I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Randomize
