I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
